The Emotional Rollercoaster Called Motherhood

I am hoping it is the sleep deprivation but my emotions have been all over the place since the boys have arrived.

Generally speaking, I was once a pretty mellow kind of gal. A dear friend and former roomie (hi, Mo - miss you!) once declared that if I were any more laid back, I'd be horizontal. Sadly, I am just a basket of nerves now and horizontal is a position I am rarely in. Instead, I have been stuck in an emotional wasteland that I fear every mother must visit at some point in order to fully earn the title.

The worst pitstop on this journey is guilt. The boys are just over a month and I have already established residency in this state. The worst: when Cooper received a shot at the doctor's office this past week. I knew it would be awful because of the crying but I was not prepared for what happened when he stopped crying. He suddenly looked up at me with the biggest eyes and the saddest look on his face and I am pretty sure he asked, "Why, mama? Why have you forsaken me?" I have never felt so horrible in my life. Instead of a college fund, I am putting away money for their future therapist.

The paranoia is no picnic, either. Everything scares me now. We actually got a mosquito net (thanks, Hillary M.) for the stroller! We look like a rolling ad for an anti-malaria campaign. I feel like we are traveling through the DMZ in Vietnam every time we go out but I couldn't find a bulletproof canopy a la the Pope mobile, so the net will have to do.

And then there is the happy couple: doubt and fear, the constant companions of new mothers everywhere. The list is too long for this blog but the latest fear is centered around eating. One day, it seems like they are eating too much. Their heads have gotten so big that they actually look like floats for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade (albeit the CUTEST floats ever). Andrew squeaks, sniffles and chortles so much during his feedings that it often feels like Baby Gollum at the other end of the bottle. I am waiting for him to grab it from my hands, caress it and start referring to it as my precioussssss. But other days, it seems like they are the tiniest creatures in the world and they have little to no interest in eating at their usual times, which also keep changing. We even tried to do an Excel spreadsheet to figure out a pattern but my not-so-beautiful mind couldn't figure it out.

And this just leads us right back to guilt. Apparently, we are on a roundabout of motherhood....


- The 2nd Mommy